With Andy’s development of his website http://www.soneen.com, I learned something new.  His website is presently beta version.  Wiktionary defines beta version thusly:

A development status given to a program or application that contains most of the major features, but is not yet complete. Sometimes these versions are released only to a select group of people, or to the general public. The testers are usually expected to report any bugs they encounter or any changes they’d like to see before the final release. This is the second major stage of development following the alpha version, and comes before the release candidate.

Yep, sounds a lot like me.  Still lots of bugs.  Not quite ready for release to the public, but the testers seem to have less complaints about me than before.  The problem I suppose any product developer has is determining which of the tester’s suggestions are valid.

For example, I have been told many times I am too emotional.  “You wear your heart on your sleeve.”  “You care too much!”  In Eat Pray Love Ms. Gilbert relates a story where she is crying so hard she can hardly speak to her Italian friend.  He says: “Do not apologize for crying.  Without this emotion, we are only robots.” My own Mother said, after Dad died “Thank God for the gift of tears.”  I cry all the time – what’s a developer to do?Is that a bug that should be “fixed” or is it an integral part of the program that is Mary?

It’s not just the crying, though.  I have a “Bic lighter” temper, as the kids can attest.   I can flare up with the flick of a switch and then I’m quickly over it.  I seem to be running out of fuel lately, though, and just can’t get as riled up about things as I used to.  When my co-worker said, four or five years ago “Mary, you care too much,” I thought about that.  He was right.  I have been caring less and still care much more than the average person.

I used to have zero patience, particularly with myself.  Dropping a raw egg on the floor when I was already late for work could send me into total disgust and anger at myself for being so clumsy.  Then I read somewhere that  if you drop a raw egg on the floor the best way to clean it up is to douse it with salt and then pick it up with a spatula.  Nice beta fix, that one, and your hints for the home for today.

Of course it was the boys who tested my patience big time.  One of my favorite stories about Joe was when we were traveling. Although he inherited the “Bic lighter” gene he is one of the most patient people I know.  I had to intervene at the playground when he was a toddler – a kid was bopping him over the head with a plastic shovel and got no response from Joe whatsoever. Talk about turning the other cheek.  Don’t get him really ticked off, though, he will morph into his mother when you least expect it.  It’s very likely I saved that other toddler from a world-class toddler ass whompin’.

The day in question, I was not happy with him for one reason or another, I had lost some battle with him and had kicked all the kids out of the trailer.  He walked in too soon after, and my temper was still not in check.  He calmly asked me for a sandwich. I told him to “make your own damn sandwich.”  Really, that’s what I said.  Nice mom, huh?

A minute or so later I realized he was still inside the trailer. I angrily asked him why he was still there when I told him to get out.  His calm, patient response?  “I’m makin’ my own damn sandwich.” He was about 10 years old.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the complete aplomb with which he delivered that line.  Yet another beta version fix by one of the testers.  Again, with Joe, my anger had no effect except for him to calmly teach me that very lesson.

I could go on and on with my bugs, I guess.  My vanity (I am NEVER happy with my appearance), my procrastination (it’s coming along…), my fears about the future.   Father Frank, may he RIP, used to say the Mass prayer just after the Our Father with his own twist (heaven forbid, I don’t know if it was sanctioned by Rome! – his addition in caps) :

Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from USELESS anxiety ABOUT THE FUTURE as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I just always loved hearing him add the “useless” in there – it was such a reminder to me that I was certainly wasting my time here on earth worrying about future outcomes that were totally out of my control.  Who knows what miracles may come?

So…I wonder what the “release candidate” version of me will be like?  How long will I have to stay in beta version?  Will the final release version be just in time to meet the Mystery at the end of life? And will I be fixed enough for the general heavenly public?

I simply can’t speculate – that would cause much useless anxiety about the future!!!!!!