I was thumbing through my old journals – so much of it just sounds like pure insanity, but that is because once I got past the first book, I was totally honest about writing my deepest feelings and thoughts.   I will have to continue mining them for little diamonds here and there but then burn them, though, so some great-granddaughter doesn’t find them and think “brother, Grandma Mary was a nut case…”

Anyhoo, I came across this quotation from an author of the last century, Morris West:

It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the love and courage to pay the price.  One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms.  One has to embrace life like a lover. 

Now this is quite true and is often my philosophy, which is why I transcribed it in my journal back in 1994.  However I need to be careful.  I always say that if it weren’t for Al, I’d probably have tried heroin once, just because it’s part of human life and I don’t want to miss a thing.  Obviously there must be some limits or the aforementioned life ceases to exist.   I’ve often felt that I’m like a kite, floating on the wind here, then dipping there, then stopping mid-air just for a moment but not liking that at all, so off I dance again on another gust of wind.  Al, just like the master kite flyer he is, sits on a rock and holds on to the string,  not in a controlling way, but keeping me out of the trees, admiring me as I fly around.  Just tonight he said something so sweet, that I was a “star.” 

I certainly don’t feel like a star.  I’m confused and scared about what I’m going to do when I grow up.     I know that I wrote that quotation long ago because it spoke to me; it reassured me that the questions I was asking back then required courage and risk to even ask, let alone answer.

So now I am older.  There are new questions with answers that are as elusive as when I was younger, and will be replaced with new questions as I continue to age.    Will I still reach out with both arms and embrace life like a lover?  Will I still strive to be a full human being?  Will I abandon security – particularly emotional security?  Will I still be willing to pay the price when I don’t even know what the price is?    

Does a kite fly?