Why does it seem to happen this way?  I wait for months for a conference and on the flight to Albuquerque the unmistakable fullness of the throat combined with a bit of scratchiness heralded the start of a cold.  I arrived at Bethany’s and she, too, had broken out with a bug that day.  What a pair we were.   I thought I was doing okay but by yesterday afternoon it was clear I was in the thick of it.  Last night I got very little sleep, coughing and dealing with the parched mouth of a person who can’t breathe through her nose, and had to drag myself through the talks today.   Quite disappointing, as I was unable to talk to my  table mates – no voice – and it felt neither comfortable nor appropriate to join anyone for lunch to discuss the ideas we were sharing lest I infect them all.

At any rate, the conference subject was Loving the Two Halves of Life: The Further Journey. The speakers were Richard Rohr, OFM, Ron Rolheiser OMI and Edwina Gateley.  I will leave it to you to dig into the internet to learn their backgrounds.  The talks were inspiring and exactly what I had hoped for as I continue my gradual goodbye to my physical therapy career and walk a different path.

The gist of it is this: the first “half” of our life is based on doing and getting – security, families, stuff, prestige, careers.   Rolheiser calls this essential discipleship.  Then we experience transition in generative discipleship – the desire for and struggle against giving our lives away.  We may become bored, restless despite our comfort and the fact that the struggles of youth are behind us.  How do we react?

Wellll…there’s the old “midlife crisis.”  Or resentment of the life we’ve created.  There may be joylessness.  It is a time of life when many of us say “What’s next?  Why am I here? What’s it all about?”  Those of us who ask those questions are doomed to either face those questions head on and move forward to “radical discipleship” or fail to fulfill God’s purpose for us here on earth.

Our choices then, in a nutshell: we can become the pathetic old fool – having your plastic surgeon on the speed dial, or dumping your wife for a 23 year old cheerleader, for example.  Or perhaps you will become the embittered old fool, nurturing the anger and resentment that your life didn’t turn out the way you planned, or maybe you wasted your life with addictions that prevented you from building anything worthwhile in that first part of life.

Or.  Radical discipleship. You may seek to become the “holy old fool.”  Holy here does not mean religious. It means wisdom.  It means being quieter, so that you can hear the inner stirrings of God in your heart. It means being ready and content when life winds down and it is time to go, and leaving your family and those you’ve loved in your life with that legacy.  It means understanding at the moment of death that “belonging to the system” doesn’t matter. We came from God, we return to God.

Obviously I cannot possibly summarize 6 hours of lecture by three world renowned speakers/thinkers on this subject in my meager blog, but I can tell you this.  Over and over again I was affirmed.   When the question that was asked in the silent retreat in June “why are you here?” the instant answer was “to share my wisdom.” I say that I answered that question, but truly it was answered by a power much larger than me, which is why I probably still feel uncomfortable with it.  Who am I to think I have wisdom to share?  Well, actually I don’t think I have wisdom to share.  The “somebody up there” who loves me thinks so.

I acceded that I am someone who has struggled with faith in dark times.  I have struggled with motherhood, through no fault of the people I was mothering, I have struggled with marriage, through no fault of the person who shares my life, I have struggled with depression which colored all of the above.  And…here’s the thing…I have come out the other side for the most part stronger, happier, and more in touch with the Ultimate Reality, God or whatever you would like to call it because of those dark times.

That concept, that adversity can bring us to wholeness with God, that has been stated in many ways over the centuries by mystics of every major world religion, nevertheless must continue to be spoken by any of us who have the words, especially in this day and age when it seems like we are stuck – as cultures, as nations – in the “it’s all about me, my religion, my political beliefs, my lifestyle.”

This will not happen tomorrow.  I have absolutely no clue as to how I will mesh the first part of my life with the second.  I know that the writing is a start – but will the years of looking into the eyes of people who struggle with illness and impending death be enough?  Will having struggled with marriage and motherhood be enough?  Will I need to move out of my comfort zone for the flower to bloom?  Do I need to acknowledge that desire, which has dogged me for years, to go on a medical mission, and which I now think I am “too old” for? (Please, God, I don’t want to do that!!!!  I like my warm bed, my Diet Cokes!!!!  Ed the Dog!!!!!)

I don’t know.  I only know I continue to put one foot in front of the other now.  The conference was, indeed, “just in time” for me, because without my even realizing it and definitely without my consent, I was called to begin my further journey last year.   What’s your further journey?