Mission Control here.  I’m reaching out to all you friends in cyberspace.   I sit  here on a Friday night in SoCal; the visitors of the last week and a half have all departed.  And I’m feeling lonely and sad.   Suddenly making new friends and starting a new life just seems so wearying.  The exhilaration of a new location has worn thin.  I know my way around.  Life is melting back into a routine of sorts.  I’m unmotivated to do much of anything.   I have so much to do and all I really want to do is play Toy Balls on my iPhone.  I will have to stop that as my wrist is getting sore.

The truth is that depression is knocking at my door.  I can feel it.  I refuse to let it in, but it keeps knocking.  The tendency is to run into the bedroom, crawl under the covers and be real quiet so it thinks I’m not home.  Depression is not so easily fooled.  The only way to get rid of it is to answer the door and scream at it: “I told you to get the hell out of here and I mean it!  I’m going for a walk! I’m reading a book! I’m quilting! I’m setting up healthy meals for the rest of the week! Screw you, go bother someone else!”

Depression just stands there and goads me: “You think you can be happy?  How?  Ha!  Quilting will just make you think of your dead friend.”  (Never mind that quilting does make me think of my dead friend – and brings me joy remembering what we shared and hearing her compliment me on getting something done.)  “You think you can be happy?  How? Ha! You know you get distracted looking through the cookbooks and will give up planning the menu! (Never mind that once the planning is done I don’t have to think about what’s for dinner the rest of the week.)  “You think you can be happy? How? Ha! You can think of a million reasons why you can’t exercise today!”  (Never mind that one five minute walk would turn into forty.)  “”You think you can be happy? How? Ha! You can’t even choose which book to read!)  (Well, that part is true…)

Depression and it’s BFF, procrastination, are standing at the door.  I’m going to go open it now.  I’m going to walk right past them and not say a word.  Are you with me? I know you are.  Thanks for being there in cyberspace…