I’m starting to think there’s a theme here in my life: “too stupid to live”.

Sunday is bike ride day, I usually go with several women but today for various reasons they could not go and I had to either use that as an excuse to not go, or get my butt out the door. I decided on the latter since I was already dressed for it, even though it was early and I hadn’t had my coffee yet, and even though it is still in the high 50’s (brrr, near the ocean onshore breeze), it is finally sunny. It was earlier than usual but figured I’d get back in time to see the Women’s NCAA Championship game, so cool.

Normally I double check that I have everything: car key in its little red key-sized purse with my ID and medicare cards, phone encased in its red case which also carries credit cards, Costco cards, library card, etc. Normally I wear a waist pack but because I was in a devil-may-care mood I just put it in my bike bag (which is actually an old Camelback attached firmly to the back of the bike). Topped off my tires. Put on my bright green oversized not-very-fashionable but easily seen windbreaker jacket, my turqouise blue helmet, my bright pink biking gloves and off I went. Can you spot what my mistake was?

I’d like to interject here that this is being written mostly for the delight of my biking tribe, who have seen me lose more than one pair of biking gloves because I set them on the seat and then ride away without them. The day-glo pink pair is my attempt to avoid doing it again.

Off I went, even had my swimming ear buds on and was listening to the varied playlist that has been loaded onto my swimming MP3 player. I was being careful – not too loud, check my mirror frequently. Stopped at the crosswalk to laugh with the other cyclist who admitted maybe it was still too cold for shorts and a t-shirt. She envied my “get up” that looks like I’m ready for the slopes as I looked and was warm.

About halfway to our final destination there is a bridge where we usually stop for a sip of water and a quick break. One thing I had forgotten in my haste was to put on lip balm. I started looking for it only to be smacked in my face with my foolishness. I had not zipped up the bike bag. Instant panic. My phone was not there in its red case. My car key was not there in its red case. (Are you understanding why I need this stuff in a red case in the first place?) My ride was cut short as I turned around and headed for home, keeping my eyes open for those two items.

By the time I had neared home I had convinced myself that I just didn’t put them in the bag. I certainly would have seen the red at the last minute and zipped up the bag.

This was apparently not the case. My neighbor was just arriving home so I enlisted his help in calling my phone. Certainly in my panic I just wasn’t seeing the phone and keys. My phone went right to voice mail. This is not a good sign. It usually means it has been run over or otherwise met its demise. I know that because I left my last red phone on the roof of my red car and didn’t realize it until I got to my next patient’s home. Somewhere along I-5 is where it probably still sits.

Thankfully, I have an iPad. I Facetime my son in Minneapolis in a total panic. (Al is golfing today. In general, he keeps his phone on vibrate so I could be lying in a ditch or otherwise near death and he won’t answer the phone. We are going to discuss this in counseling next time. Mostly I wanted him too know if he tried to use the debit card it would be denied).

Jeff made me pull over to the side of the road as I was retracing at least the road part of the ride before the bike trail begins. He reminded me that there are good people in the world and that if he found this stuff he would return it to me and that I would too. Everyone I know would. But the world is not full of everyone I know. Panic escalated.He was probably having my daughter-in-law, Raina, already researching “senior living apartments near me”.

Called the bank to suspend the cards temporarily. Panicked some more realizing my Prius that sits in the driveway was probably going to get stolen and worse, that I would have to get new Medicare cards, driver’s license…things that required interaction with government bureaucracies. I decided to get back in the car and resume my search on the street as I had been interrupted in that quest by my wise son.

I started to pull out of the driveway but had to wait for a guy driving agonizingly slow. He got even slower as he approached my house and I could see him looking at addresses. Could it be?

OMG yes it could. He had been running and found them, picked up any credit cards that had scattered and returned my items to me. I gave him a big hug and then he gave me one back and his name is Andy and thank goodness there are people in the world who can save me from myself.

Things I have learned. Well, it’s okay to have your ID with your stuff, maybe not in the little purse with the car key but somewhere. The phone case is so convenient and it really my “purse” so I’m not sure I want to stop using that case, but I think it has to be in the waist pack when biking. Also, maybe wearing earphones isn’t a great idea after all. I may have heard it all hit the ground.

As for my biking tribe – ladies, please. I clearly cannot go out unsupervised on Sunday.