Hoo boy.

We hurriedly packed up to check out and take the bus to the airport to pick up our rent a car. Al had a bad night of sleep which is never good for his mood and energy level. It was decided when we picked up the car that it would be best if I started the driving today.

Before we left home I actually downloaded a learn to drive app from UK to help me get the idea of how this whole driving on the wrong side of the road works. It didn’t help….

We got out of the airport easily enough, it was a quick block or two to the freeway and that’s pretty straightforward. Then it was two lane roads, very narrow. I drove to Stirling Castle – 30 miles and took an hour to get there. The two lane roads were brutal. I just couldn’t judge where my front right quarter was in relation to the center line and was terrified that I would hit a car coming the other way and so overcompensated by keeping MORE to the left. This meant that every few miles Al would be pulling a “Mary” – that is, gasping for dear life and digging his nails into the dashboard and crying out that I was going to hit the curb-the car – the tree.

I don’t remember whether it was before we got to Stirling or after that I almost got us killed. People had been kindly flashing their lights now and again to let me know it was cool to go (more about roundabouts later) so when the cow-poop-picking-up tank pulled by a tractor got in front of me and after a few miles put his right turn signal on and moved more to the left I kind of assumed he wanted me to pass. Sure enough I edged out the right and no one was coming, so I went.

Fortunately when I pass someone I mean business and floored it, because what he was ACTUALLY doing when he moved to the left was making that truck move of giving himself space to TURN RIGHT. I saw him out of the corner of my eye but was pedal to the metal to get around him so – no big deal. Al had a heart attack right then and there. I heard a long horn blare behind me. (Sorry, dude) Here’s the worst. I was glad that I got around him and was relieved he didn’t hit us – so relieved I forgot that I’m supposed to be on the left hand side of the road until I saw a car coming straight for me – I’m a good swerver, I’ll tell you that much. By the way, the slogan on the back of the truck was “Cows Dump – We Pump”. A real life Scottish cow-poop-picking-up tanker. He’s going to be talking about me over whiskey for a long time.

I’m going to assume it was before Stirling because I’m not really sure since it was yesterday. We got to Stirling and like every intersection everywhere in rural Scotland, it has roundabouts. I don’t mind roundabouts. I used them out east long ago and we have some in San Clemente now. I simply cannot fathom how it can be so much more difficult when you have to go in the opposite direction and have Al tell me which exit I’m supposed to take and make sure I’m on the correct side of the road when I take that exit. There was one to get into Stirling (probably more before that) and then another one or two to get to the castle.

When we got up to the castle the parking was full, but we could park on the -go figure – narrow road leading back down the hill. No dice. We went around again – and when I say “around” I mean around the roundies (that’s what I call ’em now – we’re on a first name basis) And again. And again. By this time, between clutching the dashboard and having heart attacks, Al was a mess. It was his turn for a meltdown. He really wanted to do this, it was something really special, the coolest castle in Scotland, he just made a big mistake. He was sorry he was ever born, apparently.

I took the bull by the horns and pulled into a McDonald’s so he could get tea, I could get a Diet Coke and a McFlurry and we could both begin to breathe again for a few minutes. It was just after noon and I was sure the morning crowd would be leaving the castle and we’d find a parking spot and all would be good. We had a meeting of the minds (I am glad Al is born and delineated all the amazing things that had gone right in the past two days – getting us to Scotland, mini-golf, cemeteries, haggis) and got back in the car.

People in Scotland have been lovely. Pulling out of the parking space at Mickey D’s a woman said “yes you have plenty of room but you need to be going in the other direction”. Sweet as a piece of warm apple pie a la mode. I am able to laugh at myself – it is one of my finer qualities – and people have appreciated it here while I terrorize their roads.

Sure enough, we got up to the top of the hill again (after the obligatory roundies) and there was a spot on the street (thank you back up cameras and a pretty decent ability to parallel park) and we got in just in time for a young man to inquire if we were interested in joining a tour that was just beginning. We did and it was top notch. I wish I could relate all the wonderful history I learned but I have discovered that my dislike of world history from childhood has not dissipated for the very same reasons. There are too many kings of the same name with Roman numerals after them. I know Mary Queen of Scots was born there and lived most of her life there so there’s that. Otherwise you’re on your own with the history of the place. It was fascinating though. Some of the building remained from forever ago, some where added by some king VI or other, the outside of buildings were often painted a sort of yellow to mimic gold. Also it belonged at one time or another to Scottish kings, then English kings, then Scottish kings again, then….yeah. I’ve already failed the test.

We went on to Loch Lomond to a very cool guest house right on the lake. This couple has it figured out and looks like a great wedding venue. Now then, this was particularly special for me because I grew up on a lake named Loch Lomond. Al knew that which is why we were there. Nice guy.

We went out and about a little later to get something to eat – ended up with fish and chips and only once did I screw up the lane thing – when you turn right (from the left lane) you have to make sure you turn into the left lane of the road you’re turning on to. (I didn’t have a problem making sure there were no cars coming in the other direction before turning). I kept going into the right lane. Al would freak out and yell “no!” and I’d remember. There aren’t many cars. Calm down.

You might wonder why Al didn’t just take the wheel. We decided that even though I was struggling, he would struggle too, and at this point we had a rhythm going especially at the roundies. He’d read the signs, I’d keep repeating “stay to the left”. Moreover, if he did equally lame brained stuff that I was doing I WOULD have a heart attack and would probably be questioning his IQ to boot in a not very nice manner.

We also agreed that we are a “good enough” team and it is why we can travel successfully together. Who else could communicate like this and still be speaking to each other at the end of the day?

That’s what we think, too. Don’t worry, today was MUCH MUCH better. We are mean, lean, driving on the wrong side of the road traveling team.