Volcanoes and Caves

It has been about fifteen years since Al and I were up here in Oregon fishing, in the Cascade Lakes region just south of Bend, Oregon.  It is a cool place not just because of the mountains that still have snow in August and lakes with huge Mackinaw trout (next story!) and pine trees, but because it is also the center of volcanic lore from days gone by and days that may yet come again.   Crater Lake is just down the road, a lake in the caldera of an ancient volcano it is almost too impossibly big to imagine.

I guess because I grew up in Illinois where volcanoes were something I read about in geography books, it didn’t occur to me until I moved out here that volcanoes do as they please, whenever they please.  I remember being shocked at the devastation – in the 20th century no less! – of Mt. St. Helen back in the 80’s.  The photos made me cry – especially the before and after photos of Spirit Lake – a pristeen mountain lake turned into a mudhole.  It seemed so wrong or prehistoric.  I didn’t get it.  It just had never occurred to me that active volcanoes still exist – silly, I know, but hey I know all about the Great Lakes so leave me alone.

Around here, the magnificence of volcanoes is everywhere ,this being smack dab in the middle of the Cascades, part of the Pacific Ring of Fire.  The rocks are volcanic, the names of everything are lava this and lava that, caldera this, devil’s that.  Today Al and I went to a lava tube- which is a cave that was formed by lava flows.  Let’s see if I can get this right: the lava starts to flow down the mountain, it quickly forms a crust under which more lava flows.  This process goes on and on until the mountain has purged itself of its apparent night-on-the-town gone bad, at which point the “crust” may be 50 feet thick.  The lava drains itself out of the tube and voila: you have a lava tube.

It was the second time we’ve been to one, and it is still one of the neatest things I’ve ever done.  It is just a tunnel – like one you would drive through traveling through the mountains, except that in places this one could house a couple of freight trains stacked on top of each other.  It is dark – you rent a lantern at the ranger station before you go in.  This one required us to walk down about one hundred steps to get to the floor of the tube.  Then it was a mile hike to the point where it gets so small you can’t go any deeper…this caused by a “sand plug” of eons of seeping sand that clogs up the tube.   We wore our headlamps as well so we could look up on occasion and view the ceiling and walls. They are not like the pretty limestone caves you see advertised with colored lights to enhance the experience – they are every shade of black and grey and a glassy silver, layer upon layer of lava, in some places it appeared that some lava had seeped through the wall and cooled mid-ooze, hanging from the wall like black candle drippings.  I didn’t see any bats but I looked.  They are good at hiding, I know they are there.

You have to watch your step – this is not a tourist trap cave.  This is a cave in which to feel small, to feel out of place, to know on a gut level that you are inside the earth.  It is cold – 40  Fahrenheit- and again, very very dark.  At one point when there were no others around, Al put the lantern behind a rock and we turned off our headlamps.  Whoa.  Dark. Really dark.  Did I mention how dark it is?

My imagination gets carried away.  I would like to spend the night down there.  Or spend a day – bring a chair, sit there all day, turn off my lights when no one is there.  Be scared in the pitch blackness, hear the dripping of the water from the ceiling, try to figure out the meaning of life, that sort of thing.

People who go into these caves are a special breed. I know there are some reading this who would not go into a cave if they were being followed by a grisly bear intent on a meal.  For me, even though I have never done as much of it as I would like, and who never goes into a cave without worrying about an earthquake while I’m in there, a cave is irresistible.  Today there were little beacons of light ahead of us, behind us, coming towards us, all kindred spirits in the dark cold silence of the tube.  I was pleased to see parents taking their little ones down there – they played with the echoes that were endless in some of the cavernous rooms.  They made ghost noises “woooo!” and giggled at each other as they startled each other and talked about whether there were spiders and stayed close to mommy and daddy.  There were senior citizens, drawn by the eeriness and sacredness of the space, like an underground church.

At one point I remarked that it was like Halloween – little points of light in the darkness, lots of joy and laughter (“is there a Starbuck’s at the end?”)  How amazing that nature, without a thought for us and indeed sometimes seemingly bent on killing us before we kill her,  makes secret playgrounds for us, under the sea, on top of mountains, and even under the ground.

Al and I trekked out again, stepping out onto the baking hot surface of the earth.  Ascending the path to the parking lot, we could feel blasts of cold air blowing out at us from under the brush and grass.  We couldn’t see the holes, but we knew they were there by the air conditioning that sent us on our way with one last memory of our time down there.

By the way – how do they discover most lava tubes?  A part of the  ceiling collapses leaving a hole that reveals the tube underneath.  There is really no way of knowing how many there are, according to the National Forest Service…

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Gone Fishin’…

….no, seriously, Al and I have gone fishing in Oregon for a week.  Talk atcha when we return…

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More Gift Messages…

Most of my close friends know I have a love/hate relationship with my chosen career.  When it’s good, it’s very, very good and when it’s not – I just want to run away forever.  It is probably for this reason that I’ve decided I don’t want to take it further by going to school for an advanced degree. 

I’ve learned that the bad days are temporary, though.  Just this past week I was not feeling well, rescheduled my patients and rested all day yesterday.  The idea of going back was so stressful – my present patient load is not very challenging, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.  Thank God Al and I are going on vacation next week.  

A couple of years ago I really burned out and took 3 months off.  One of my last patients before I did that was a wonderful old man with quite a dapper personality and a lovely wife.  He was pretty demented though – not a great memory, terrible safety judgement.   He was an opera afficionado.  He had books about operas, DVDs of operas, opera record albums.  One of their goals now that he was home from a long stint at the hospital and skilled nursing/rehab facility, was that he be able to go back to the San Francisco Opera on a regular basis.  It was a bit of a chore – he didn’t like using his walker and his wife was afraid that he would fall again, with good reason.  We worked on his balance and walking and endurance.  It was springtime and for our outdoor “ambulation on uneven surfaces” we’d head out to the cul-de-sac where he’d tell me stories of when the kids were young and played on the hillside above the street, how the neighbor’s dog knew him well, and what he thought of life in general.  Almost every phrase was punctuated with a chuckle.  He was simply delightful.  He would laugh at me when I would admonish him to use his walker for safety, his wife would fret that he wasn’t taking any of it seriously.

The deal with going to the opera was this: apparently a doorman at the opera house knew them well and he would help Bob out of the car, Emily would go park the car and Bob would have to stand there and wait until she came around to go inside.  If the weather was lousy the doorman would assist him inside.  Emily was concerned about him standing there – even though he could use the cane safely in the house, outdoors was another thing, and with all the people entering the opera house, she had a valid concern. Even with the walker it could be dicey.

I helped him get to what was probably his highest level.  His dementia meant his safety judgement would not improve and likely a fall was again in his future.  His family knew the exercises that would keep him at his present level or maybe even improve his balance and safety, and it was time for me to go. 

When my leave of absence was just about over, I was still dreading returning to the workplace.  I just wanted to continue sewing, gardening, making jam, enjoying life.  One Sunday I opened the paper and as I often do, and checked out the obituaries – this may sound morbid but because I work with the gerontology set I frequently will see friends who have passed away.  It is nice – I get to have one more thought of them, remember them happily, or maybe not so much, but either way it is a final goodbye.

This particular Sunday I saw Bob’s name.  My heart sank.  Then I read the obituary.  He had died rather suddenly, but the week before he died he had been to the opera, his love for it second only to his dear wife and family.   I went back to work if not enthusiastic, at least with a sense of duty to use my talents in that arena.

Fast forward to this week, that awful feeling creeping up on me: PT ennui.  What’s the point? I’m not enjoying it anymore.  I have other fish to fry.  As I was leaving an assisted living facility today there across the lobby a familiar face caught my eye and we greeted each other with big hugs and smiles.  It was Emily, she had just moved into the building in July.  We talked about Bob – it is hard to believe it’s been two years since he’s gone.  No wonder I’m tired again!  So many patients between then and now.   I reminded her how much it meant to me to know he went  to the opera right before he died, that I do make a difference. 

I still am going to continue to fry the other fish, but tomorrow I head back into the homes of people who need me to improve their quality of life, whether they live for another five years or another five months.  It’s not so bad.  I can still do this for a little while longer and, most of the time, love doing it.

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edited

What I wrote yesterday has been edited – several times – I think I’m pretty close now…funny how when you start to think of ‘professionals’ reading it, it gets a little more stressful lol!!!  But mostly I am glad to write it for my Mom…a sweet and vivid memory with thanks from her old bag of a daughter…

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The Back Door

This is kind of a rough draft for submission to The Sun, a literary magazine that invites its readers to submit essays on certain subjects each month.  One that is coming in the future intrigues me, The Back Door, so this is kind of a rough draft for that assignment.

The Back Door

When I think of a back door, I feel comfortable – it is a friendly door, rather common, not stuffy and formal like the front door.  The first back door I remember is one in northern Illinois, particularly because of its importance during the winter.  All layered up in our jackets and hats and mittens and mufflers and galoshes, my friends and I would venture out and have our snowball fights, build our snowmen, make our snow angels and then arrive at the back door encrusted with snow from head to toe, wanting to come in and get warm and return to our playroom in the basement.

Which was a good thing,  because Mom would open the door and although we had much to tell her about our adventures, there was no time for that.  “Go right downstairs!” “Mom, we made a…” “Don’t stop, just keep going!”  Her voice was kind but meant business and we’d head downstairs to the laundry area where the cement floor could handle all the dripping melting snow from our clothes.  It didn’t matter how many times we went out over the winter while I was growing up, that scene was re-created time and again until it is indelible in my mind.  I can see her standing there like a shepherdess making sure we didn’t venture from the straight path from the back door to the basement stairs, as we clomped past her like snowmen ourselves, eating the snow off our mittens as we went. 

It hadn’t occurred to me until just now that even with that orchestrated plan,  she must have had to swab the kitchen floor behind us each and every time.  It is only now that I have raised three sons that I realize what she must have felt when she opened the back door.  Maybe forty five minutes of peace interrupted by cold, wet, noisy chaos stomping past her,  her precious time alone with her thoughts ending with a demand for swift action that could not be delayed for yet another moment.    We climbed back up the stairs hungry and thirsty, the edges of our sleeves and pant legs still a little wet, looking for a safe place to sit.  Then she re-opened her world to us once again, with a selflessness that cannot be learned, but only nourished by love and the peace at the end of the day, when the de-thawed children collapsed into bed, worn out, happy and warmed by a mother’s love.

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To Infinity and Beyond…

Do you ever feel like you’re in one of those cartoons where God’s finger is coming out of the clouds and pointing right at you saying: “Listen up!” ?  I did last night.

First of all, you must understand that I’m feeling old and not just a little afraid that life is passing me by.  This is not always the case but recently, I just am.    This is why I have made the decision to follow a few dreams instead of a bygone career to carry out the rest of my days on this earth.  Of course, I am not so much of a dreamer that I don’t worry that I’m making a mistake by making plans to wind down my career.

I was just talking about this with Tina last night on our way to see two of our fellow choristers from The Blackhawk Chorus who have been having fun singing together and recently put together a little cabaret show “Two Over the Limit.”   We went to support them and I thought it would be fun to see them sing but was not expecting to get the “message” that I received at the same time as I sat back and enjoyed their humor and song.

The first message came from reading the Director’s Note in the program.  Now by Tina’s and my estimation, the director is about 12 years old, but here’s what he wrote: 

“After several memorable evenings laughing over good food and wine they realized that together they could live out a dream they both shared.  The magic behind the performance tonight, and truly an inspiration to all, is that it is never too late to follow your passion in life, whether it is singing, cooking, climbing mountains or even just being a better friend; true joy is what makes your heart tick.”

Then, turning the page, from Michele and Sue themselves:

“Two Over the Limit.  What does it mean – so many things, over the age limit to start performing, over the drinking limit  ‘a few times’ and often over the speed limit.  It means you are never over the limit in pursuing something you love.”

Allright.  I hear ya. 

And then, finally, the darling “12 year old” director came out near the end of the show, stating he couldn’t think of anything to put into a rather long costume change, so he decided he’d just come out and address the crowd, and he re-iterated his “it’s not too late, go do it” speech 15 feet from my face.   I just looked at Tina and she looked at me and we  both knew that the discussion on the way there – both of us wishing on stars and facing our doubts – would be much different than the discussion on the way home. 

On the way home, we both felt touched, uplifted and unafraid to face our futures, no longer split between what we “should” do and what we “want” to do.  We both felt a sense of gratitude for the two gutsy “old” ladies who charmed the crowd, even though they are “over the limit.”  

Now, time to wake up from the dreams and get moving on them…

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Books

The Genius of the Beast: A Radical Revision of Capitalism by Howard Bloom from the sleeve: “It offers unseen levels of understanding, understanding that can literally redefine what it means to be a human being.”  Not only that but it’s fun to read after about the first five chapters.

Women Who Run With the Wolves – Clarissa Pinkola Estes – I’m on my second reading of this book which explains the meaning of archetypal fairy tales from all over the world in terms of the lessons they are meant to relay to women.  Don’t have to read it all at once.  Good for women who are feeling that they’ve compromised themselves – there are lessons to be learned.

Einstein’s Dreams – Alan Lightman – another favorite that I’ve re-read many times.  About a fictional young Einstein – each chapter describes different possibilities of the concept of time.  Very cool and again, one chapter at bedtime is all you need.

The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship – David Whyte – Are you ready to consider being vulnerable?  Beware, it involves communication, honesty and risk.  Nothing new there, but he joins together the sometimes seemingly conflicting marriages to an intimate other, to oneself and to one’s work.

That’s enough for now…but there’s a stack I’m working on…

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Retreat #5

Human life.  The human era.  We don’t know how far we’ve come nor where we are going.    What we do know is that technology is moving forward, and for better or worse, it’s not going away.  How is the great mystery of the universe, God, being revealed to us today?  If there is revelation, it’s hard to see amidst the war, the pornography, the greed, the selfishness, and possible dehumanization by technological forces.

On top of that, major religious institutions are crumbling.  All the major religions developed in the last 2000 – 5000 years have developed around texts and oral traditions.  Just as oral tradition diminished due to printing and writing, our books and texts are too slow for today’s world.  We have e-books, we again are listening instead of reading, but listening to a million voices at once.  Here’s something the good sister pointed out that I hadn’t thought of or at least not thought of very seriously: before all of this the world of Spirit existed .  How we experienced it changed and then it continued in that form for thousands of years.  We were told how to consider it, how to hear it, how to live it. 

In today’s world, we can no longer say “you tell me how to experience it.”  Well, I might like it that way, but it won’t necessarily cut it with especially young people who grew up in a superfast techno-world.   The responsibility to question and doubt and ultimately hear it is our own. 

The life of today is not inherently a  danger to humanity, but it is a danger because it is new and it is fast. We went on to consider the “end of the human era.”  This could happen by WMDS or technology.  If you haven’t heard about the Singularity movement, you ought to take a little Google walk through that world, where humans and technology merge.  Scary stuff, and yet…technology seems to always win, whether it be the wheel versus dragging stuff or cars replacing horses or whatever.  So it may not necessarily be bad, but it will definitely be different.  So if we are to maintain our humanity, if that’s even possible, we need a radical change in how we are aware of and respond to the spiritual world. 

We took a little side step and considered evolution – first there was matter, then it organized itself into life, at which point it – the matter of life – moved at a much faster pace and with far greater complexity.  Then we humans had another dramatic leap from life to self-reflection and consciousness of the world around us and then things started to move even faster.   One minute we were rubbing 2 sticks together to make fire and the next we landed on the moon.  In cosmic time, this was but an instant.   Now as things move faster we have a sense that we’re running behind.  I didn’t know about Singularity, did you? 

The important message was that we are all part of the evolution. We are all cosmic ten year olds.   It is a question we must each ask our own hearts: do we really want the human era to end?  The era of humanity?  Only by going deep, listening for the wisdom will we know how, on a personal level,  to respond to the global age and how to answer this question.

That day ended with a DVD of some of the Hubble telescope photographs.  It was a big screen TV (the joy of technology at a retreat house!) and the photos are, of course, mind boggling.  We were asked to consider  Psalm 8 from the Bible while we watched it: 

“When I consider the heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have created, who am I that you should consider me?”

It was about half an hour of gazing into the depths of the heavens, with some explanations of what we were seeing, most of which I didn’t understand nor remember, but I do know this.  When the movie was over and I went outside into the beautiful garden of San Damiano retreat house, with its green trees, flowers of every color, brids flying and tweeting, warm blooded human beings walking out with me,  it felt surreal to consider that this planet, in the midst of all that energy and power, even exists at all. 

I certainly  can’t help but ponder the meaning and the future path of humanity…and no philosopher or theologian can answer it for me.  Off to the silence to listen to the wisdom…

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Newsy Rat

Joe was in first grade.  Someone had to take home the classroom pet rat for the holidays.  Of course I said yes!  Newsy Rat was adorable.  We have movies of him and even with the littlest one he was gentle and sweet.  He was very soft and as I recall white and grey.  True.  A pet rat.  I know. 

The school year ended and there were new rules at the school – no more live rodents (go figure.)  So someone had to take Newsy Rat home as a permanent pet.  Of course I said yes!  If this and the other pet stories aren’t proof that Al is headed for the Pearly Gates, I don’t know what would convince you.

Newsy Rat was a nice pet all in all, but I have to tell you it was a chore keeping his cage  – and the area around it – clean.  It wasn’t until a woman I knew who worked with lab rats clued me in that I learned that male rats rather spray if you know what I mean.  Fortunately he was next to a mirror closet door so I could just use windex to clean up. 

It was okay, he really was very sweet and cute.  We’d take him out of the cage and he’d just poke around the towel we’d put him on, sniffing and tickling our hands, maybe eating a little rat kibble out of our hands. 

Rats only live about one and a half  to two years, which I also learned from my friend when I was lamenting that the honeymoon was over.  It was not long after that I went in to find him lying lifeless on his side.  Even that, a dead rat, broke my heart.  He wasn’t just a rat, though, he was Newsy Rat.

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Laser Tag

Years ago it was popular to play laser tag.  I have no idea if it is still popular now, but fifteen years ago you could buy laser tag sets at the toy stores.  It was comprised of a “laser” gun and a chest shield.  I never understood how it worked, but if you hit the target of the other guy’s chest shield with your laser beam, it would make a noise and you’d know he was “hit.”  This all involved a lot of red lights blinking and lots of noise.  The general sound was very outer spacey, and it was fun and funny to play.  We somehow ended up with five of them, so one night Al and I decided to play with the boys.  Us against them.  The lights in the house went dark and it was on.  George the Dog was young and he was in the fray, lots of running back and forth, hiding behind doors, jumping out at each other, Al and I laughing like children as we tried to escape the tribe that outnumbered us. 

Suddenly Al and I found ourselves in the living room, alone.  The boys were upstairs planning their attack, we could hear them up there, whispering how they would ambush us.  Al grabbed me and we started to kiss as if we were oblivious to their sneaking down the hallway, and with great enthusiasm they finished us off.

I remember that night fondly, because raising children can so often get bogged down by duty and the heaviness of being a parent – do the homework, put the shoes on, tidy the room, help in the kitchen, for God’s sake be quiet for five minutes.  I remember feeling very warm and wonderful that night, kissing my husband in the dark living room, having our kids witness it, letting them “win” against us – I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect antidote to the stresses of those years.  I always wanted to play again, but it never did happen a second time.  The laser tag components were loaned out and not returned, we never replaced them, the time for such play melted into the past.   It was just one of those spontaneous  evenings that made being the Mom worth it, now that I look back.

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