Since I have not completed my report on the retreat, I’m jumping ahead a bit here. However, one of the things that happened there was that I was asked to reflect on why I’m here at all. We each must answer that question for ourselves, of course. For me the hardest part was to place value on my life without feeling proud or arrogant. To say what I really feel are my gifts seems somehow so lacking in humility. However, I forged ahead and answered anyway, holding up a shield for the tomatoes that would surely come hurling through the air my way for even thinking about what my contributions to the continuance of humanity might be.
My first thought, having had dinner on several recent occasions with young women in their twenties, was to pass on my wisdom, especially about marriage, which is what they tend to ask me about. Hard fought, perhaps I could spare them some tears. There are many ways I could do this. Writing just popped out at me as the first way – thus this blog and just getting started on the computer keyboard.
What did NOT come up for my reason for being here was something I have dedicated most of my adult life to: physical therapy. I have helped hundreds of people along the way and my philosophy degree was part and parcel of making me be able to touch souls as I healed bodies. To say I am holistic in my interactions with my patients is an understatement. For many years it was my passion. However, lately whether because I’m getting older, because the profession is changing, or whether I’m just tired of doing it, I’ve been coming to grips with this loss of true passion for my profession. This is pertinent because last year I started the Doctor of Physical Therapy program at Rosalind Franklin University, my physical therapy alma mater. The material has been interesting, certainly I have learned a lot, but I just can’t quite wrap my head around why I am doing it at all. When I see myself in the future, I do not see myself walking through any of the doors that getting that degree would open for me.
At the retreat I found myself delving back into my first loves: philosophy and theology. I brought a stack of books with me and read and wrote voraciously much of the time I was in retreat. I walked out of the retreat house knowing that I would not finish the program. After a few days I decided it would be prudent to simply take a leave of absence and think about it.
The first thing I did as I drove away from the retreat, was to call an acquaintance, Christoph, who had recently taken on a new career as “life coach.” Now, I will in all honesty admit that when he had approached me for a free trial months back I politely demurred. Cmon, “life coach?” Get serious. When I drove away from that retreat, though, something just said “call him.” In the 6 weeks that I have been meeting him I must say he has helped me tremendously. I have listed life-diminishing habits I want to change and life-giving habits I want to incorporate into my life. Slowly I am feeling more in control of my life. It’s been nice – I am exercising every day, I am playing piano almost every day, making time for silence, and of course, writing.
Today we tackled the subject of finishing the DPT. The conversation that ensued was mind boggling to me. We waded through all the things I love to do – write, sing, quilt, general home-makey kinds of things. The conversation turned to music and suddenly memories came rushing back to me of a desire that was squashed in it’s infancy.
When I was at Marquette, I didn’t know what I really wanted to do. I went to the career center and took some tests that measured, I guess, inner desires or penchants for one thing or another. The results came back with this: music. The counselor recommended I look into it a bit more. I made an appointment at the Wisconsin Conservatory of Music. I was excited to be looking into it – I loved to play the piano, I wanted to learn more, and it just sounded so…freeing.
The professor I met with practically laughed me out of the building. You must understand, I was quite shy in those days, and it took a lot for me as a 17 year old to walk into the building at all, let alone present myself. I didn’t have enough experience or education under my belt, despite 8 years of piano. I was wasting his time, that was clear. I left the building convinced that I didn’t have any business pursuing music. That was that.
Now, I like to live my life with no regrets, but today when Christoph told me how I “light up” when I talk about, for example, singing at a wedding, he encouraged me to revisit that desire. I wrote it down on the paper, and it was a strange feeling – I had written that down before, long ago. Perhaps it is time for me to continue a little further along that road – to hone my piano skills, to learn more about music theory, to pick voice lessons back up. Seeing those words on the page it was almost like looking at my name.
I have been saying for quite some time that I have many fishing lines in the water, as I have so many interests, and am waiting for one to bob up and down telling me there’s a fish on the other end. Suddenly I find myself picking up those lines, checking if there’s a small fish on there, too small to make the bobber go up and down, but big enough to eat and perhaps to alert me that there are bigger fish down there. The writing is one thing, the music is another. Time to reel in the line. Time to take the line out of the water of physical therapy – that fishing hole has been fished out.It occurred to me today that 30 years have passed since I went to physical therapy school. If I live to be 85, that means I have another whole adult lifetime to live. It will still be my “day job” and I still do enjoy it enough, but I believe you are witness to an anguished but blessed decision – to “quit” and yet, to begin.
And as for Christoph, I must say I’m glad I called him as I left the retreat house. Life coach? Seriously…
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